I never put much stock in friends until her
Sledgehammer honesty, a passion for life, and a wicked sence of humour
I’m truely lucky to be able to call her a friend 😊
Logic and depression don’t go hand in hand,
They war with one another.
Logic says, its not your fault.
Depression says, your shit and you shit on everyone who cares for you.
In the real world bad things happen to good people because life is unfair.
In the fractured mind bad things happen to good people because you are undeserving of anything but pain and misery.
Logic says life goes on, tomorrow is another day.
Depression says, why wait to be hurt again, end it now.
The battle rages eternally, the light of reason keeping the darkness at bay.
But we were not made to live every day at war with ourselves.
The casualties mount.
Logic is often among them.
It’s our fault
It’s our fault we can’t fight off the voices that tell us us ‘no’
It’s our fault we can’t argue with those who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer
It’s our fault that the world tells us we’re wrong
It’s our fault that we are weak
It’s like nothing I can do is right
My heart tells me one thing
Logic tells me another
And whatever I do is wrong
Why do I bother?
Surely it’s just common sense to give up and save myself the pain?
If only life were that simple………
Trapped again,
Where no breeze blows,
On the equator of sorrow and joy, life and death,
I know this paradoxical dessert so well,
Time ebbs by, life flows on,
And I remain becalmed, tempests whirling within me,
Calm on the surface,
Whilst leagues below the surface monsters dwell
I use this blog almost exclusively to air the sorrow that depression and self-loathing breed, but today I want to let you in on a secret – life can be good.
After being up at stupid o’clock I picked up my friend and drove her out to the yard where she keeps her horse, and yes, she’s the friend whom the last few posts have referred to.
So we cleaned out the stable, loaded all her tack and finally get her pony boxed (a miracle in itself as an uncooperative 17hh shire x thoroughbred is not the easiest thing to make do what it doesn’t want to do!.), before heading out to a mutual friends farm. After unboxing him and a merry jig getting him past the livestock and into the stable she headed off to enjoy her day and I stayed to help my friend out.
After sorting out a few bits on farm it came time to load up some piglets for delivery to a local food co-op, a job it turned out was easier said than done! After much dashing about the enclosure and several comical incidents including a run-in with an electric fence we delivered said piggy’s and headed back. Next on the list was catching a ram and getting a tupping harness onto him, the one job that turned out to be relatively straightforward, after which we took the rest of the day off (it was almost 6 in the evening by then) and had a bbq.
So, all in all, today was an awesome day!.
Dispair
Anger
Morbidness
Acceptance
Shutdown
Repeat
I’ve lost the trust and confidence of a friend I value dearly. As I said in my pervious post I am at fault, and I have resolved to win back that trust as best I can, but I doubt I’ll ever get back what I had.
The arguments I made yesterday ring hollow today. I tried to justify a gross betrayal of trust, as much to myself as to my friend, but I was wrong to even try. I know this now, but it is too little too late in this case.
Where once we were close we are now distant.
This fact breaks my heart.
I had a big argument with a friend of mine today over some very personal stuff – she was right, I had betrayed her trust and done something she specifically asked not to.
I feel like there should be a comma at the end of the last sentence, and a ‘but’ followed by my reasons, but its pointless. The damage is done.
I don’t feel too bad though – the chasm of dispair hasn’t swallowed me up, I’m not drinking to numb the pain (although I’ve smoked god only knows how many cigarettes in the last 4 hours) and I’m kinda looking forward to resuming this particular ‘discussion’ at a later date.
Maybe all the ‘toughening up’ I’ve been put through over the last few weeks is paying off, or maybe my heart grows ever colder, I’m not sure, but whatever the reason i guess all that ‘finding myself’ must be working – I’m still here and still functioning after what would have been a crushing blow before my odyssey commenced, so I’m happy…
I guess I’ve always been afraid of being alone, that’s why at the tender age of 7 or 8 I decided that once my parents were gone I’d end my own life.
But now I am alone it’s different.
Sure, my father’s still alive – I saw him yesterday and we had a great time at a vintage steam rally, but I came home to an empty house, and to an empty life of my own making.
The loneliness doesn’t scare me like it once did though. Life still has its ups and downs, today started well but my mood dropped when I started to tackle one of those many jobs I’d been putting off – clearing the garage.
But now I own this loneliness – I made it, of my own free will, and it is mine. It is my punishment and my reward, and I will make of it what I can.
an ad hoc depression blog 