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Blessed

I never put much stock in friends until her

Sledgehammer honesty, a passion for life, and a wicked sence of humour

I’m truely lucky to be able to call her a friend 😊

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The eternal fight

Logic and depression don’t go hand in hand,
They war with one another.

Logic says, its not your fault.
Depression says, your shit and you shit on everyone who cares for you.

In the real world bad things happen to good people because life is unfair.
In the fractured mind bad things happen to good people because you are undeserving of anything but pain and misery.

Logic says life goes on, tomorrow is another day.
Depression says, why wait to be hurt again, end it now.

The battle rages eternally, the light of reason keeping the darkness at bay.
But we were not made to live every day at war with ourselves.
The casualties mount.
Logic is often among them.

Blame the weak

It’s our fault

It’s our fault we can’t fight off the voices that tell us us ‘no’

It’s our fault we can’t argue with those who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer

It’s our fault that the world tells us we’re wrong

It’s our fault that we are weak

Saturday night drinking

It’s like nothing I can do is right

My heart tells me one thing

Logic tells me another

And whatever I do is wrong

Why do I bother?

Surely it’s  just common sense to give up and save myself the pain?

If only life were that simple………

Doldrums

Trapped again,
Where no breeze blows,
On the equator of sorrow and joy, life and death,
I know this paradoxical dessert so well,
Time ebbs by, life flows on,
And I remain becalmed, tempests whirling within me,
Calm on the surface,
Whilst leagues below the surface monsters dwell

Counterpoint

I use this blog almost exclusively to air the sorrow that depression and self-loathing breed, but today I want to let you in on a secret – life can be good.

After being up at stupid o’clock I picked up my friend and drove her out to the yard where she keeps her horse, and yes, she’s the friend whom the last few posts have referred to.
So we cleaned out the stable, loaded all her tack and finally get her pony boxed (a miracle in itself as an uncooperative 17hh shire x thoroughbred is not the easiest thing to make do what it doesn’t want to do!.), before heading out to a mutual friends farm. After unboxing him and a merry jig getting him past the livestock and into the stable she headed off to enjoy her day and I stayed to help my friend out.
After sorting out a few bits on farm it came time to load up some piglets for delivery to a local food co-op, a job it turned out was easier said than done! After much dashing about the enclosure and several comical incidents including a run-in with an electric fence we delivered said piggy’s and headed back. Next on the list was catching a ram and getting a tupping harness onto him, the one job that turned out to be relatively straightforward, after which we took the rest of the day off (it was almost 6 in the evening by then) and had a bbq.

So, all in all, today was an awesome day!.

Cycle

Dispair

Anger

Morbidness

Acceptance

Shutdown

Repeat